The Dying Man

Written months back, this was a piece on a dying man struggling to find out the meaning of life. Hope you who reads this will enjoy it!

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Where was he? Oh right, a hospital.

Why was he in a hospital? He doesn’t remember – it is some disease, the name was too long for someone as old as him to remember. If he didn’t remember wrongly, it is quite a deadly disease. He just can’t remember these small things anymore. He’s getting too old. Way too old.

Who is he? He is an old man, with a lovely wife and few children… 3 to be exact. He has had an enjoyable life, as he would reckon. He could not have asked for a better wife, and definitely would not have asked for better children than those that he has happily raised up. They are the gems of his world, his treasures.

What was he hearing?

“Yes… yes… I am terribly sorry… only a few days left. It is too deadly, we tried to cure it.” Brief murmurs came from the adjacent room. The doctor was talking about him. He didn’t have much time left.

He was going to die.

The world around him suddenly erupted, fissures etched across the walls, and the ceiling shook with all its might! The world seems to tremor and everything was falling out of place. What was happening?

He can’t believe that this is happening. What would happen to his beloved wife, his children? His brilliant grandson who he was waiting for? What will happen to everyone around him once he is gone? He will never be able to talk to them, laugh with them again! He can never touch their soft faces, listen to them pour their hearts out to them again! He will no longer belong to the future, but forever confined to the past.

Forever.

Why do all things have to come to an end, when they are brilliant and enjoyable? 

Que sera sera.

He heaved a sigh. Everything that he cherished would soon be into the oblivion. Is it a bad thing that everything he created would soon be left behind him? All the memories he has enjoyed and all the wonderful experiences he has had with his loved ones…

He still remembers the first day he met his wife; they were in the same class in high school. She was like a delicate wild flower waiting to be plucked, like a beautiful lily that was waiting for its admirer – she caught his eye instantly. Then the numerous times they spent at the park, admiring the flowers: the delicate carnations, the beautiful roses and the alluring violets. How flowers were a symbol of the joy they had while being together. Life was simple, yet pleasant.

Is life not pleasant? He recounted the time in that fancy five star restaurant he painstakingly booked a few weeks in advance where she finally said “yes”. From that moment on, their lives became intertwined, she was his and he was hers. Throughout the years, they have watched each other smile, each other cry. Was it not pleasant? This beautiful love made everything so clear in life; she was the source of his comfort, the motor that drives him, the substance that he needs…

He smiled.

His world blossomed and exploded with fireworks once more when his children came into the world. They were innocent angels, raw molds for him to shape, and inspire! Their life was a form of joy to their father, and he was the proudest man in the world. Nothing would ever changed that.

Years passed in an instance. One day he was pushing his little kids on the swings, painstakingly teaching these little devils how to do additions and subtractions and then the other moment they were already proud students, young adults with the highest honors after just graduating from their universities. Soon enough, they have already become adults themselves, having their own wife and children.

Mustering a chuckle, he realized that actually everything was well. What was there to be afraid of, to be scared of? His children were well. He loved them, and they loved him back. He has had a fulfilling life with a beautiful and dedicated wife.  He has done his duty of bringing his children up, and he has honestly done a pretty good job.

Everything is well.

Yes. Everything is well.

He heaved a sigh of relief, at this realization that everything that was worth living for has already been attained by him. Death suddenly doesn’t seem that bad after all.

He closed his eyes. Everything burst out brilliantly in his mind; his memories swirled around him, and all his experiences and sound now constitutes an orchestra playing a wild and gay concerto from and unknown composer. The surrounding noises chimed in and voices in his head started to play on an infinite loop.

Everything suddenly burst into life.

Life, or death?

He didn’t care.

Lights. He sees lights.

Thimun Singapore 2013

This week has been a fairly... Eventful and interesting week I guess. Its been wonderful and fun in every sense, be it from the tense debates to the wonderful dance night we had. 

Thimun Singapore (18-22 November) has been truly and eye opener. I've never been to such a big international conference before, literally everyone there was from overseas, from a different culture, a different background. Frankly, before I went for the conference there was even a sense of trepidation towards what entailed. I thought it will just be another boring conference, another competitive model United Nations. How wrong was I! 

This MUN isn't just ANY OTHER MUN. It was special. There were feels. There were... Sentiments and connections between the people. There was fun and laughter. There were friendships forged. Yes, I did make friends from SMUN, but this conference is on another level. It opened my eyes. Showed me another aspect of this conference that I have never ever seen before. 

This mun has created really really deep friendships. It has created a passion for the cause. I went to send of delegates from the dulwich school in Beijing with Ronnie, Ernest and Shaun. They weren't exactly my friends, they were Ronnie's and Ernest's. We were basically strangers, yet they have touched me like never before. Antonio and Ji hwan are veterans in the MUN field. They have joined the past few THIMUN SGs. They have been a part and parcel of this conference since I don't know when. Every year without fail, they will be ever present at this grand conference to share their insights on the global world. 

Both of them are graduating soon. This was their last MUN. It wasn't hard to see why they were sad. They have developed a feeling for the conference, a love for this city, a passion for the debate. They couldn't bear to leave. How could they bear to? This was part of their lives. Their friends that they made? They will miss them for sure. 

Listening to their story, I just can't help but feel kinda sad that thimun is over. I'll admit it, I have never been part of this conference for long. Just short 5 days of frustrating debates. But I have learned so much from other people. I learned to make friends from people all around the world. I learned to embrace differences and learn about new cultures. I have come to realize that, though geographically different, we are not that much different after all. I have made so many genuine friends, so many special people whom I can't bear to see leaving. And for me, there is no next year. No next thimun. This was my first and my last. I will miss the experience. Will miss the people. But I will love the memories. 

Till then...

Take care everyone 

The bunch from GA2 

With Na Young 

With Roger 

With Sophia 

With Rosalind 

Sent off the Beijing dulwich people 

With Jenna 

With Kelly 

And the pretty girl whose name I don't even know (sigh)

Delegate of Togo, 

Over and out for one last time

Finally a happy post!

Wow yesterday I had a really good day - like legitly a wonderfully fun packed and optimistic day and on top of that I took a lot of photos with the people that mattered the most!

Yesterday was really packed cause I had a lot of people that I knew there and I wanted to spend time with all of them haha (but I ended up pangsehing my class for quite a long period of time I guess I spend enough with them in school alr anyway). So basically the day yesterday was spent with TENNIS, 4A1 and 13A11! 

The event was pretty well organized and everything was just pretty well done. Other than this there was also Apollo FO which I went to the day before with Amy and Cat haha it was equally enjoyable. Really really really thankful for so many friends I can trust ☺️

They always say for FOs you have to go with the right crowd and I guess the best crowd is actually with retards like chai hahaha he made everything so fun and crazy and on top of that because he's damn sociable he made everything much less awkward hehe. So now let me dedicate some photos to important friends ^^ 

Xm who was a faggot and told me this place is damn emo. Friends for 5 years liao really enjoyed it with you!

Amy my best friend hahaha (no seriously we are just friends) thanks for standing up to my shit and stuff for the past year hehe. 

Pure lit/Brisbane brothers haha greatest guys I'll meet for a while man. True bros!

My class! Or classes but yes my awesome place of retarded non stop fun haha love all the people inside 

And who can forget tennis? Closest group of teammates one can ever ask for :) I love this pic cause I look damn good here yay

Well that's all for now I really really enjoyed yesterday yayyy

Lost track of myself and the ones around me
wonder if theres a way to make it up.

Perspective

After all this while. Finally everything is into perspective.
I've been an arrogant,
self centered,
egotistical,
unbelievable hind sighted person.
I've started to chase after the intangibles, to dabble with the unknowns, to search for greener pastures while all the while the greenest pasture was the one I was standing on.

I've been too engrossed with myself, too caught up with myself.
I've been too selfish, only being interested in my own happiness, only concerned with what I wanted and only engrossed in what I deemed to be pertinent.

Well, if thats the case.
None of my friends around me were deemed pertinent recently, I guess.

I'm just caught up with myself and I'm not proud of it.
I'm just becoming a despicable fool that I swore not to ever become.
I'm becoming the one person I hate.

But I'm glad, glad that all these perspectives came falling down onto me by a few simple messages from one of the person who means the most. A person who was fed up, and honest about it.

I'm tired of acting like everything is okay. Yes, it was okay the day before, the week before. Even the month before.
But today,

I'm not going to hide anymore. I'm not okay.
I need to change.
I need to be a better person.



I need to let go of the past that I was so foolishly clinging onto.
I need to be the person that the future me would come to admire,not the one I hate.

Starting from today.
I start anew.I'm no longer going to harp over the past. It is time to let go.
It is time to change and stop..

I don't want this to become another cycle.
David...

Its time to forget

梦

Having weirder and weirder dreams.
They aren't... ironically not as abstract as they used to be. They now seem to be more real.. more pertinent..
They start to give perspectives.

They start to show things that I have never seen before. Whats wrong with me now?
Maybe its high time for me to start looking at things from other perspectives. So many things can be understood more, learnt more from these different view points.
It's time to wear other people's eyes. Step into their shoes. Get into their head.

and you suddenly understand that everything ..
seems much clearer.

1 year

1 year.
That's right.

1 year to make everything right.
1 year to remedy the wrongs,
1 year to learn from my mistakes,
1 year to improve myself,
1 year to cherish what I have.

That is the harsh truth.

I've spent the past 5 years in High school and JC thinking "there's more time left"
"there's more time left"
"There's more time left"
...
..

There's no more time left.
And that is the harsh truth.

Time has shot past like a searing arrow, it burns brightly and passes you quickly. You have no idea of what is happening before it is gone. JC life is (surprisingly) passing by too fast. Everything has happened in a blur and I have no idea what has been happening for the past year.

You have one more year to make amends, to the people that you have lost touch with due to misunderstandings. To the parents whose faith in you has wavered due to your constant lackadaisical mannerisms. To the teachers whose high expectations of me I have never met...

You have one year to learn from your past failures, to build upon your success. To turn from good to great. To translate that C to an A in the A levels. To attain PERFECTION in your academics. Something which you have never done before. Face it, you were never perfect.

Most importantly, you have one year to cherish those around you.
The ones who have stuck with you through thick and thin, well, they are going to walk their separate paths soon.
Your high school friends, whom you have fooled around with for the past few years. The true bros you have who could listen to you rant and understand everything you have to say. The people who have come to know exactly what kind of person you are through time, and understand you. Well, they are going to go into separate companies in NS soon. They are going to take on different journeys in different universities. Take up jobs in different countries. You might never see them again for the next few years.

Your JC class mates, people whom have encouraged you to study hard. Who have answered your doubts when you needed clarification. People whom you have bonded over time with, and have actually become really good friends with you. Well, they too are going to walk separate paths. Go separate ways. Move to other places.

And then there are you closest friends whom you have become the closest with. The people whom you would kill to spend time with, to have a good chat with, to just bask in each other's company with. Those people who instantly bright up your day when your day isn't going well. The people who can tell you with confidence "I care". The people whom you can trust to be there for you when you need them the most.
You wont see them as often in the future.
You gotta accept that
They
wont
be
beside you anymore.
And thats hard to swallow.

Those people whom you love? They won't be around you 24/7 anymore.
How sad is that.

You have 1 year.
1 year to make sure everything is repaired.
1 year to cherish those around them
1 year to achieve perfection when you have nothing even close to being perfect

1 year to make everything right.

Only 365 days left

Enigma

If there's anything about that smile it would be enigmatic.
A vicious rose,
deceptive lilies of the white valley.
That glare was like Medusa with makeup.

Those eyes were clear as the lakes of the alps: clear, majestic. Cold.
Yet hazy as the volcanic forest,
full of mysteries.

But I am the conqueror of the devils.
I'm not scared of you.

I'm alright

I'm alright. I really am.
I'm just another one of those disheartened souls who has had too many disappointments in their life.
Sometimes I don't even know why I failed.

Its funny how a perfect day like today has made me so thoughtful.
A great day out with Chai, some good chats with my classmates... I dont know. Somehow even with these perfect friends, something is lacking once more.
Not a person, but my soul.
Is it?

I don't have any directions anymore, no idea, no guidance and emphasis on anything whatsoever. No clue on what I should do and what I HAVE to do.
Basically I've lost faith in living.
Theres nothing to live for.
No one to live for.
Living just for the sake of living.

The most important thing of all?
I'm becoming the person that I hate.

Mute.

Its funny how everyone screams to be heard, yet are too afraid to speak.
I'm no different.
Heck, isn't that why this blog is here? Lying in a corner of the world wide web, waiting for strangers to chance upon this little sanctuary of the soul, to empathize with what you have to say, to understand what you feel. To love you for who they see you to be. The real you.
The one who lives in this little sanctuary.

The real you.

The one living outside? In that real world? He's mute. Hes silent. He can't talk.
Isn't it ironic, how the real world is where you become the most fake?

Everyone craves attention.
For the right person, for the right soul to feel that tingling sense and chance upon this little church, to understand you, to listen to you. To be there for you.
Attention is something everyone is seeking.
Yet are too scared to seek.

Everyone is a mute.
Everyone is silent.
Everyone doesn't talk.

When you make a sound,
all the heads turn and you no longer

want
to
be
heard

Conciliation

There are many ways to fault a person, and it is always easy to put the blame on others.
What's hard is to not do anything and just let it be.

Speaking with the right friends do help. People put things into retrospect, allow you to see things from a different perspective. They allow you to realize your own worth. Your own abilities. They let you see for yourself that you are actually not that bad at all.

Blogger has become an outdated platform for .. blogging. But that doesn't mean I'll abandon it. Well, this lonely little site has accompanied me for the past 2 years (soon) and has recorded down every little bit of my tumultuous emotional journey.

Looking back, at this crazy year, this crazy hell of a journey that is JC 1, I've really learnt and grown alot. Not everything was pleasant. Not everything was smooth, but it made me stronger, it has taught me lessons.
It showed me the brighter side of things while educating me on what not to do in the future. Its just that simple.

JC has taught me to look at failures positively. Failure becomes the norm here. Rejections seem normal. Thats just how it is. From HP, to KI, to dramafest and OCIP, every rejection has broken my heart, brought down my esteem and made me disappointed in myself. But with the rejections there comes an even greater desire to improve myself, to become better so that this kind of rejections will not happen again.

Its funny how I remember swearing to get my shit together at the start of this year.
Well, I didn't.
I still slacked and played around. But so what.
I made friends. I enjoyed my life. Heck. My results didn't even turn out that bad.

note to self.
Biggest problem of current self (since sec 1)

Tends to be overbearing when endearing.
Needs much work on

Thoughts

I may not be sad.
I may not be unhappy. But it doesn't stop thoughts from swimming around in my head. These demonic spawn are constantly wriggling around in my mind causing mayhem where ever they go.

It's not the sadness of the past. Its not resignation of the future. It's the perplexing ideas of the present that I'm struggling to grasp and understand.
What is going on? I literally have no clue too (haha).
And the idea of not knowing what situation I'm currently in is killing me.

These thoughts don't make me sad. They kill my mood.
They don't destroy you. They numb you.
They don't make you feel dead. They stop you from living.
I am not sad. Not dead. Not destroyed. But I'm just numbed from everything that has happened, I guess.

Games are my escape now.
I'm not going to deny.
They aren't my joy or happiness anymore,. They aren't the source of adrenaline and pure satisfaction right now.
Playing them doesn't feel the same anymore. But I still play, still immerse myself into this virtual world to get my mind off things. Its not easy. Even when I'm playing games I'm pondering over the present and all the perplexities that has happened to me.

I have no drive.
No passion.
No love.
No happiness.

Anymore.

When can those thoughts go away?

Had a dream the other day. Everyone left for greener pastures. Some went to other schools. Others went to other countries. In the end I was all alone (except for Amy she was still here)

And maybe that dream was just really true. Eventually there will be a point in time when everyone leaves you. You'll be all alone, and you'll no longer have the people you want beside you. But that doesn't stop me from living my own life.
People who cherish you are always here

Even if they aren't,
You will still be in their hearts.
I really hope that is true.

Everything was circumstantial. Everything was destined for failure. I don't know why things happen, but maybe they do happen for a reason. And you might say that you know why it went wrong, but you don't.
I do. Everything is much more complicated than you think it is, and everything that happened was a fault on my part, a hurdle that I myself have to cross.

People have to stop asking me if I'm sad, I honestly am not. A feeling of indifference? Yes. A feeling of resignation? Yes.
These phrases can't fool me, we probably can never be good friends again.
The sea is big, don't hang yourself just because you can't fish a single fish. There are many other bigger fishes out there.

Don't get me wrong, I still do care for you.
I never will stop.
But you'll probably never care for me back.

Grasping myself

Firstly, I finally understood what i was feeling and why did I feel that way.
Secondly, once i understood it was much easier to ignore these feelings and give 0 fks.
Basically I have nothing and no one to fault because if I were thrown in the exact same situation I would have likely to act in the same way because I'm just dumb as shit at this moment.
When I wake up tomorrow I'll probably just feel damn stupid and shit and everything will be out of my head forever cause once I look past stuff I guess I don't ever look back.

I finally understand why, I looked back last time now.
It was just an extension of my ego and my own allusion of self worth that I was chasing, not the friendship nor the person. It was the embodiment of my own achievement and my abilities that I was trying to validate that makes everything so skewered.

Which then again goes back to never trying to force a friendship I mean dammit I cant go around doing this kinda thing. When im obsessed with an idea I become a creep.

So in retrospect I should do some soul searching and learn how to remedy myself to not let this happen in the future.
Though I'm always distracted
by
different
targets

Stress/lack thereof

First of all.
This is a rant. A rant of the things that are about to come.
I'm actually abit scared of the possibilities of the future.
Ok maybe not abit. Really scared.

I've never been a stressed person. I'm not affected by other people and to put it clear. I don't give a single shit about my promos right now. Like legit, 0 fks given.
And its not because I'm not concerned about my results or anything but its just that I don't have a single motivation to push me forward and its just becoming quite dangerous and difficult for me. There's really nothing for me to work hard to.
And I'm.... scared that I don't have stress?

Stress might actually be a good thing because right now I don't feel anything and I'm genuinely concerned about this.
Its not good to be unfeeling, right?

I'm scared that I don't have enough time for As, not enough time to pick myself up to improve from a U to an A. Not enough time to rise from an average student to a top one by working hard.
Heck, I don't even know if I can work hard.

And the worst thing is, I'm afraid that one day all the stress that I have never ever experienced before come crashing down on me and I'll break down.
I think its really possible right now and thats what I'm scared of the most.

I think I'm already getting pangs of anxiety sometimes.

Numero Un

Numero Un of a man's greatest fears would probably list a whole variety of different problems for different men. The great archives were never enough to store the different characteristics and insecurities one had. Numero Un is the number 1 most disliked fear, the defining point of a man; the essential crux of his being and his most vulnerable sweet spot.

So whats mine?

Orchestrated

Do you ever feel as if you're living a life where everything is just orchestrated
and that the way you live is just part of a grander scheme of lies?
And everyone around you is now what you believed to be?
I dont know.
Fuck this feeling.

Dreams

I don't know, is it common to dream?
Once I close my eyes I just unconsciously enter a new land of unbounded territories and uncharted places where its free for me to experience and discover.
Sometimes I visit the past.
Sometimes I frequent the future.
Or maybe I just dream of the present.

But I never have nightmares. These dreams are lighthearted, happy. Sometimes just images that bear nothing on my emotions.
Why do I feel them when others don't?
I don't know.

But its this small parts of happiness that's keeping me alive

Chaichai

Just feel that words will never be enough to describe this awesome person.
So.
Just good luck chai.
I'll see you again.
We can still chill out.
Life would be without you but its ok.

People

Reevaluated my life and I realized that I'm actually a really blessed person!
I have so many wonderful friends to be thankful for right now, and have so many people who don't ever fail to make my day..
To firstly Nano who would also listen to my stories and my troubles. You guys will always be here to listen to me and understand my troubles, even though you all laugh with/at me in the process haha!
To 4A1, the bunch of brothers I will never want to forsake. Most of you guys were with me for 4 years, and I'm grateful to say that I don't ever regret these 4 years with y'all!
To 13A11, new friends, new family. People that understand me. People that care and dont have factions and cliques. People that don't fail to make me smile in the morning.
Tennis. The family I never expected. Really. I have to much to say to this lovely CCA that I don't know where to start.

Individuals shall come another day.. maybe.
But I am thankful for every single person that has changed my life for the better!

Jigsaws

I think humans are like jigsaws
Each with their own piece, with their own shape
Curved or angular, we represent our own.

When met with other jigsaws we sometimes can fit,
but sometimes our edges just don't come together.
Sometimes we fit perfectly, sometimes we are force fitted.

Yet the process of fitting ourselves with other,
is a mystery.

Demons

It might seem weird but I'm not sure if the demons inside of me are too hard to handle.
I've been thinking too much recently and getting scared at the prospect of the future.
Maybe this is those kinda teenage pre adult life crisis thingums where my future is just a black void which I honestly cant fathom. Honestly I am abit scared.
And recently I've just been really really grateful for all those around me and I actually discovered a few like minded individuals over the past few months which is quite happy for me cause these people are too darn rare.

Ahh bleak my future may be but at least I have a direction now

Euphoria

Today I've reached the sudden epiphany that if things carry on the way they are right now, I'll probably be preparing for orientation 2014 with Gloria as my OGL.
But enough of that, instead of constantly whining about what could have been, maybe I gotta start paving my own path.

I have to admit that I was too blissfully indulged in my own utopia of dreams and whatnots during the past few weeks and had little time to entertain this jumbled mash of thoughts which is (honestly) quite morbid and pessimistic to my liking sometimes.

In retrospect, my past few weeks haven't been bad at all. Human relationships are actually not as hard as I thought, these neuro connections between individuals and the sophistication of human actions might actually finally start and seem to make sense again. Actions are not as hard to predict and understand now, comprehending such sophisticated patterns and workings have never been my specialty anyway.
It's quite funny how everything around me changed after my birthday like its a marker of what has been and the brighter future which I actually like much much more. Maybe I'm just slowly and surely trying to learn about myself again because I don't understand myself. I don't understand why some people think in some ways about me and my reactions are normally incomprehensible to even myself because I'm just that weird.

Changed my blog name because I don't want to keep having no clues.
Psychologically I have to start having clues and directions in my life, have a superficial yet assuring grip on reality and my control over my fate and life in general. Vague promises by myself to myself that I will have more control over my identity and who I am.

Indignant I might be about my current situation but that shall be my rocket fuel

What do you want?

What do you want. life?
Repeatedly putting me down, knocking me off. Then you give me false hopes, lift me up and push me back down.
Again and Again.

What's weird is that I've been shoved down so many times, rejected on so many occasions, turned down by so many people that nothing matters anymore. Not sad, not happy.
Just sian.
Really, maybe I just need some happiness right now.
I am too numb from all these punches, too scarred from all these cuts to care about one more minor scratch. And it feels like it isn't my fault. It was my choice but my choice wouldn't have changed even if I were able to go back in time.

Life sucks? Move on. There are so many people in life that make it worthwhile and so many people right now who suddenly brighten my day, make me feel better.

I need to reconsider my life, that I should hold everything together better. I shouldn't be discouraged by all the setbacks, shouldn't be sad at all these. I should have that fiery passion that tells me to come back up. To be more discipline, and to bounce back up from these setbacks.

No more of the stupid whining, that sobering little kid that whines over spilt milk and lost chances, but now there shall be a towering mammoth who get shot down time and again but he comes back stronger.
He rips his opposition.
He breaks their spirit.
He eats their hearts.

One day I'll finally show other people I'm capable of, maybe. But not now.

Team

Now that the nationals are over, it feels as if something is missing from life. Something has suddenly left my life.
What's funny is that I didn't even play. I couldn't play because I wasn't good enough. But I was in the team, I was a member of this unassailable ship that was destined for greatness.
We tried. We worked hard. We practiced, we trained, we persevered. We had this aim to make history, to break into the top 4 for the first time since idek when.
It's not easy. Let me tell you why. Tennis is one sport that is the most heavily reliant on an influx of talents. For the school to do well in tennis they almost HAD to have a bunch of students who have been awesome at tennis since primary school. It's one of those sports that people start from young, from as young as 3 years old.
That is why RI and ACS(I) have been dominating this sport for the past decades. They rely on a large number of DSAs and good players to clinch them the gold. HCI has stringent DSA policy that limits on the DSAs we could have. And that is maybe why we can never do well.
But why do we need dsas? You don't need to start on a sport from young to do well.
You have to be determined, train hard and put your mind to it.

That is the disappointing part. I've been giving my 10% for training for the past few years. This shouldn't be the case. The difference between me and the others are getting bigger and bigger because of the way I've been fooling around. This shouldn't be how it is like. I can't be a burden to the team anymore.
Regardless of the commitment, I should train more.
NO. I MUST TRAIN MORE.
Train harder and play better. Step up my mental game.

Next year when people ask me "hey how was it, did you play?" I can proudly say "yeah, we did. And we won".
I want to be the one who can help the team and play for the school. I want to become part of the legacy, the team that had a breakthrough into the top 4. To be forever installed into the hall of fame, and leave this school without any regrets.
Can I do it?
I am afraid I cannot commit. Am always distracted. Become a burden in everything I do.
Stop it David. Balance your time better, you can do it.

Yes you can.

On defeat

Calm yourself David you didn't even get to play today against SAJC.
Yeah you're on the team but you're not a main player.

But today made me think. Saint Andrews had a few really really good players. They had consistent strokes, solid volleys and killer serves. Where did they get all these? Hard work and hours of training. Even though I started late (this shouldn't be an excuse) but maybe I should have trained harder.
My physical is horrible, my footwork is horrible. My serve is inconsistent and my volley sucks. Maybe its time to train.
When others were training I was eating food and playing dota. And here is the difference. I should work harder and prove myself, even though the past 4 years have somewhat came to waste.
How to get that resolve?
I hope.

Dream

I had a dream yesterday, it was one of the weirdest dreams I had in a long time.
What was it like? I dreamt that I have already grown up, that I have graduated from university 7-8 years later. I just came back to Singapore from my overseas education and I was looking for a house.
It felt weird and surreal that I was staring at myself, the successful, older version of myself. It felt weird to feel like someone older, and burdened with problems that grownups have to face.

It felt weird, that I went to visit the condo that I now live in, and I saw how the future was very very different from now. The houses were more modern, the buildings were whitewashed. There was a garden in the middle of the building. I can't really describe it. There is a rooftop garden with a view towards bedok reservoir. The view was beautiful, it was splendid yet unnatural. It did not feel natural, but it felt so right, so beautiful and so mesmerizing. The oasis was far from the view, and the sun was just setting from the horizon. There was a tinge of orange and yellow, as well as some purple, giving off a picturesque image of the view. It was like staring into a picture. So beautiful and so mesmerizing. I want to draw it out, but I'm not good enough.

And here comes the worst part of this dream - I actually cried in it. Like, seriously. I haven't cried in a dream since idk when. The last time I did indeed cry in a dream was probably when I was 8 and I dreamt that I went to heaven. This time it wasn't because of sadness, nor joy do I cry. It was more of a sad sense of sudden realization that my adult years are coming to me, and I don't have much time to live. Soon enough I will grow up, buy a house, have a kid. Sooner or later I will retire and die. It is that fast, and it is quite scary. I don't know what to feel about it.

Bright

This blog actually isn't an emo place. Its just that I only rant when I'm emo.
But today there shall be a change.
Life is gonna be good yeah. It's gonna be enjoyable, because I have people who make the journey worthwhile.
I mean, maybe everything is just involving opportunity costs. Being denied of something doesn't mean you're not worth anything, maybe god is just saving something better for you. Maybe by rejecting this, you can get something better. If I had taken one of these opportunities up, maybe I would have lost much more, with that higher opportunity cost.
Life isn't all that bad at all!
I mean, goodie, I got a chance to try out a play, and take the stage!
Maybe being rejected by dramafeste wasn't all that bad. Maybe not getting into OCIP is not that bad. I have friends who are in the same boat. All I have to do is to keep optimistic, and look forward. Keep praying, keep waiting, god will be here for me!

The future is bright and I'm slowly carving my way :)

City of bright lights

Across the dreary winter borders there once stood a brilliant city. The city had magnificent lights that shone with all the brilliance in the world, the colors of the lights were those of the window, and the whole city looked like a beautiful picture from a tainted window. Buildings were all ingeniously designed and crafted, with arches and natural colors resembling those of nature, and greenery lined the edges of the roads. Modern, yet traditional; mechanical, yet natural all the same; it was designed by humans, yet it matched the beauty of nature in every aspect. The “city of lights” as the people called it, it was beautiful, picturesque and perfect.

Citizens are always free to do what they want, the city is self sustaining – you don’t have to worry about food or electricity. The solar panels provided ample electricity for the city to run on as long as there is enough sunlight, and the machineries are able to self operate and cultivate food and engineered crops capable of feeding the entire city. Take a stroll along the city when you’re free, you’re never tired of the city lights. Or have a picnic at the parks where you can just sit down and appreciate the beauty of the nature and city combined. Everyone was always occupied with the various activities the city provided, be it playing games or working. We were contented, happy and free.

I was a modern man, I believed in technology, in the ability of human creation. To me, there was no god. To us, the inhabitants of this grand city, we were our own gods; there was no higher being other than ourselves. We are the engineers of the future; we are the creators of life; we are the grand deity which rules over the rest of the world. Life is no longer a creation of god, but merely a product of the incubation tanks. What god can do, we can do too.

So why fear god, when you can be god? Why do you believe in something that doesn’t exist, when you can believe in yourself, rely on yourself, and solve your own problems?

“Noah was a smart man that believed in god, the foolish were punished by god because they have started to believe nothing but themselves.” “The day the sky turns red means that the world will end”

Brilliant colors of the sky intrigue me, their bright blue shows me that world of open possibilities, and their tinge of orange signifies the end of the day. The darkness of the sky shows the end of the possibilities, the end of life. Lying back on the park bench, the sky was odd today – it was blood red, and the clouds were moving too fast. The sky seemed like a swirling whirlpool of blood, a grim reaper from the sky, a foreboding of death. Scary as it was, this apocalyptic foreboding was beautiful, yet dreadful at the same time, and I could only stop and marvel at this painting of nature.

This terrific beast of nature quickly grew, and this beautiful whirlpool of death converged and started forming into a hurricane, gradually taking the form of cone of wind. The ground also shook, and rain started to fall.

All of this was odd – the city of lights has been known to be impervious to all forms of natural disasters, and weathers were regulated within the city.

As I stood watching the formation of this mammoth of wind, the dread and horror began to form up within me, as I felt the ground tremor violently, and wind started pouring onto my head. Knowing nowhere to run to, I hid in a small cave that was a common dwelling for the park goers. From this cave, I saw this destruction of the city. I saw years of perfect engineering and architectural progress go down the drain, as every single building started to twist and turn into a convulsed manner, eventually breaking apart and being blown away by the wind. The ground also opened up, swallowing the vehicles along the streets. This was a disaster – the wind carried people off the ground, and the remaining ones were swallowed up by the openings in the ground. There was a pandemonium as people scrambled to safety, but few made it. Surprisingly, this natural cave has provided a good protection against the harms, and I survived through this string of disasters.

It wasn’t easy witnessing the grandest city to fall. The colorful lights of the city all turned grey, and the grand arches and green buildings all collapsed and broke down. As if submerged into a gigantic pit, the buildings started to fall one by one like a stack of dominoes, creating pillows of smoke as they go down. It was a saddening sight, it was a dark sight.

So where is god now? He was there; he was the one who caused this. He wanted to show us he exists, and that all of us were foolish to believe in ourselves. We were the ones who created our downfall.

It’s kind of sad, that the original brilliance of the city are now ruins beyond that winter plains. Surprisingly, this aboriginal village that I stay in now are god fearing and believing, and somehow they are happy with what they have.  

Subjugation of the willing

Talking to you felt like talking to a wall.
I talk and talk and talk but I never get replies.
I decorate this wall, I praise this wall. But all of these efforts are unappreciated.

It's kinda sad that even though its like this. I still carried on doing it.

I look towards that love,
the cold stone wall you are,
You moan your replies

The past was a foolish representation of the present, of a fickle, idea driven impulse of the unknowing.

My heart has become numb from all the trying. It has become cold. Rock it has become.
And my sense dull, and my body turns rigid.
My eyes flicker, and my pupils dilute.
Strands of hair turns into wires,
and as if medusa induced , I have become a stone.

The once brownish eyes now black. The once flush red cheeks now gray.
Badly chiseled teeth are now stones.
The soul has left the body for the search of another one. A better one, a stronger one. One that is living.

Roaming about the planes of life.
I am now the wall you talk to

Monochrome

Life is just a dull piece of picture. A monochrome one. A colorless one without any vibrancy.
It is dull.
It is dry.
It is dreadful.

What has life got to do with us? Why are we subjected to living this cruel, dull life.
Only love can dissolve this coldness, this numbness. But thats bullshit.
Love is fake.
Love is nonexistent.
It is ethereal.

It is a fabrication of the mind, it is the ghost of affection. Its not there, it will never be there.
Human interactions are superficial, they are calculating. And its getting tiring

Every single day you wake up to please others.
To please those around you.
Please your parents,
please your friends,
please everyone.

But did you please yourself? Or are you just a cold heartless, artless slave to the manacles of  society - chained and bound by these expectations? Zombified, heartless, you live to please.
Ironically, it is yourself that you will fail to please.

One day you'll find something to life maybe. One day you'll get past the disappointments, the sad hard truths.the lies, the masks. The layers of makeup they use to conceal their feelings.

But till that day.

Hang on

Disgusting Love

Who ever said that love is beautiful?
Bullshit.
Its.
Freaking.
Bullshit.

Yeah sure, you get someone who loves you, someone whose universe revolves around you. Someone who follows you around, makes you happy. But it. is. not. beautiful.

It's troublesome, its irritating, it's time wasting.
It makes people distance themselves from other people, and it takes away the bros from the bro sect. It breaks up friendships because what happens is that the girl takes all the attention away.
And then these girls are jealous, they are volatile. They are demanding, they need attention.
So what do you do? You give the attention, you show them love.
At the end of the day, it's just draining your life slowly, bit by bit.

We're 16 going on 17, we're young and foolish. We are teenagers, we have the future infront of us. Why commit now? Contempt ourselves in satisfying our infatuation, but end up messing up our mind, our thoughts because of that ONE. SINGLE. GIRL?

Its disgusting. Its not beautiful. Its disgusting.

And the torment of attention will haunt you on and on. I would like myself to be with my friends, not be with a girl.
But who knows? Maybe I'll get a girl, maybe I'll go back on my words. But now, no. Maybe I'll find the "perfect" one, maybe I'll find the girl of my dreams. Who knows. I don't think its worth it though.

Not like I'll busy myself with chasing any girl. Its too troublesome, been there done that.

So to all you despo shits out there. Get a grip on yourself.

The winter rose

As with all deaths, no one embraces them. No one relishes the thought of death, the unknown the darkness of the afterlife which no one knows about. What will happen to my family? What will happen to all those that love me? The attachments are what keeps us alive.

That chilly winter night still sends shivers down my spine. It reeked of death, of suffering. The pure white snow were just blankets over the darkness beneath them, it hid them, but they were there. That was the day the little child died, the grim reaper came silently, and left without a word. The child lost her life, but with that gained reprieve from the suffering of her illnesses.

I cried, as with all those that have faced death. But I shall not; no, I will no mourn. There is life left to live, there is a new dawn of era in the future. It is not bleak. Live on, love on, cherish on. Even if you lose what you have, be grateful that you had it in the first place

Wonderstruck

Maybe its every single time I step into a class that I will hate them first. Like, I didn't like my class, I had no friends in it and I was. a. loner.
Then again somehow, somewhat, like 1A4, or 3A1, I am coming to love 13A11. Its the people that make it count, everyone is so buoyish and happy that they put a smile on my face many a times. But the sad thing is that this is a sad class, so many people are leaving, or might leave.
In my mind, I'm praying that they won't leave, that no one else will leave this wonderful class, and I hope they can stay. No matter what, its unbelievable at how these people are actually quite cool.
Coolness aside, its about time that I should be more serious in my life. Too long have I slacked, and the pressure is finally mounting. The A levels results have been exceedingly well again, and as a just above average student in this elite school, i cant help but feel the pressure.
What if I don't do well enough? The thought drives me nuts.
But no matter, I hope I'll strive hard , and get all the As I need.
This class has the right attitude, so maybe we can get our As together.
Jiayou

Content/Contempt?

Time to stop wanting what you can get and be happy with you already have. Not everyone gets what they want, so suck it up, get over it and be happy.
Its not easy, but who said its hard?
Time to open up and think about other people, people who are never content will never enjoy life. I'm trying, and its really difficult to not be jealous at those people who are better than you. Yes, work hard, but never be unhappy and discontented just because you didn't get it once.
Aim for the stars and shoot for it, maybe you'll reach it one day.
Sigh, the start of JC life was far from what I expected. I expected a bright start, a new opportunity and a fiery passion burning within me to spur me on. But all I feel now is bleakness of this dreary start to JC life. Maybe it was too fast?
Sigh...
I might never manage. But who knows? Time to give it all I have.

Cheerios.
At least I'm doing what I enjoy now

God, Church, Love

I don't really blog about religions and stuff. But here I am talking about it.
Why do I not blog about it? Cause its sensitive, and I was never really religious.
But still, things are gradually changing.
Time passed, I found people who are loving and accepting towards me, the members of the church.
God is great, he has the greatness of everything. He loves us deeply.
But sometimes, I just wonder why am I believing in something that I have not seen before, someone who has been more of a image in my mind? I would never know.
I'm learning, I'm becoming more receptive towards this, but I need to improve more and improve well. In that respect, I want to be more convinced that god is always here.

God has performed many miracles in my life, and that I know of. But sometimes I just hope I could know more. Learn more. Be more devout of a christian.
I wonder if I can commit enough time for him after school starts.