梦

Having weirder and weirder dreams.
They aren't... ironically not as abstract as they used to be. They now seem to be more real.. more pertinent..
They start to give perspectives.

They start to show things that I have never seen before. Whats wrong with me now?
Maybe its high time for me to start looking at things from other perspectives. So many things can be understood more, learnt more from these different view points.
It's time to wear other people's eyes. Step into their shoes. Get into their head.

and you suddenly understand that everything ..
seems much clearer.

1 year

1 year.
That's right.

1 year to make everything right.
1 year to remedy the wrongs,
1 year to learn from my mistakes,
1 year to improve myself,
1 year to cherish what I have.

That is the harsh truth.

I've spent the past 5 years in High school and JC thinking "there's more time left"
"there's more time left"
"There's more time left"
...
..

There's no more time left.
And that is the harsh truth.

Time has shot past like a searing arrow, it burns brightly and passes you quickly. You have no idea of what is happening before it is gone. JC life is (surprisingly) passing by too fast. Everything has happened in a blur and I have no idea what has been happening for the past year.

You have one more year to make amends, to the people that you have lost touch with due to misunderstandings. To the parents whose faith in you has wavered due to your constant lackadaisical mannerisms. To the teachers whose high expectations of me I have never met...

You have one year to learn from your past failures, to build upon your success. To turn from good to great. To translate that C to an A in the A levels. To attain PERFECTION in your academics. Something which you have never done before. Face it, you were never perfect.

Most importantly, you have one year to cherish those around you.
The ones who have stuck with you through thick and thin, well, they are going to walk their separate paths soon.
Your high school friends, whom you have fooled around with for the past few years. The true bros you have who could listen to you rant and understand everything you have to say. The people who have come to know exactly what kind of person you are through time, and understand you. Well, they are going to go into separate companies in NS soon. They are going to take on different journeys in different universities. Take up jobs in different countries. You might never see them again for the next few years.

Your JC class mates, people whom have encouraged you to study hard. Who have answered your doubts when you needed clarification. People whom you have bonded over time with, and have actually become really good friends with you. Well, they too are going to walk separate paths. Go separate ways. Move to other places.

And then there are you closest friends whom you have become the closest with. The people whom you would kill to spend time with, to have a good chat with, to just bask in each other's company with. Those people who instantly bright up your day when your day isn't going well. The people who can tell you with confidence "I care". The people whom you can trust to be there for you when you need them the most.
You wont see them as often in the future.
You gotta accept that
They
wont
be
beside you anymore.
And thats hard to swallow.

Those people whom you love? They won't be around you 24/7 anymore.
How sad is that.

You have 1 year.
1 year to make sure everything is repaired.
1 year to cherish those around them
1 year to achieve perfection when you have nothing even close to being perfect

1 year to make everything right.

Only 365 days left

Enigma

If there's anything about that smile it would be enigmatic.
A vicious rose,
deceptive lilies of the white valley.
That glare was like Medusa with makeup.

Those eyes were clear as the lakes of the alps: clear, majestic. Cold.
Yet hazy as the volcanic forest,
full of mysteries.

But I am the conqueror of the devils.
I'm not scared of you.

I'm alright

I'm alright. I really am.
I'm just another one of those disheartened souls who has had too many disappointments in their life.
Sometimes I don't even know why I failed.

Its funny how a perfect day like today has made me so thoughtful.
A great day out with Chai, some good chats with my classmates... I dont know. Somehow even with these perfect friends, something is lacking once more.
Not a person, but my soul.
Is it?

I don't have any directions anymore, no idea, no guidance and emphasis on anything whatsoever. No clue on what I should do and what I HAVE to do.
Basically I've lost faith in living.
Theres nothing to live for.
No one to live for.
Living just for the sake of living.

The most important thing of all?
I'm becoming the person that I hate.

Mute.

Its funny how everyone screams to be heard, yet are too afraid to speak.
I'm no different.
Heck, isn't that why this blog is here? Lying in a corner of the world wide web, waiting for strangers to chance upon this little sanctuary of the soul, to empathize with what you have to say, to understand what you feel. To love you for who they see you to be. The real you.
The one who lives in this little sanctuary.

The real you.

The one living outside? In that real world? He's mute. Hes silent. He can't talk.
Isn't it ironic, how the real world is where you become the most fake?

Everyone craves attention.
For the right person, for the right soul to feel that tingling sense and chance upon this little church, to understand you, to listen to you. To be there for you.
Attention is something everyone is seeking.
Yet are too scared to seek.

Everyone is a mute.
Everyone is silent.
Everyone doesn't talk.

When you make a sound,
all the heads turn and you no longer

want
to
be
heard

Conciliation

There are many ways to fault a person, and it is always easy to put the blame on others.
What's hard is to not do anything and just let it be.

Speaking with the right friends do help. People put things into retrospect, allow you to see things from a different perspective. They allow you to realize your own worth. Your own abilities. They let you see for yourself that you are actually not that bad at all.

Blogger has become an outdated platform for .. blogging. But that doesn't mean I'll abandon it. Well, this lonely little site has accompanied me for the past 2 years (soon) and has recorded down every little bit of my tumultuous emotional journey.

Looking back, at this crazy year, this crazy hell of a journey that is JC 1, I've really learnt and grown alot. Not everything was pleasant. Not everything was smooth, but it made me stronger, it has taught me lessons.
It showed me the brighter side of things while educating me on what not to do in the future. Its just that simple.

JC has taught me to look at failures positively. Failure becomes the norm here. Rejections seem normal. Thats just how it is. From HP, to KI, to dramafest and OCIP, every rejection has broken my heart, brought down my esteem and made me disappointed in myself. But with the rejections there comes an even greater desire to improve myself, to become better so that this kind of rejections will not happen again.

Its funny how I remember swearing to get my shit together at the start of this year.
Well, I didn't.
I still slacked and played around. But so what.
I made friends. I enjoyed my life. Heck. My results didn't even turn out that bad.

note to self.
Biggest problem of current self (since sec 1)

Tends to be overbearing when endearing.
Needs much work on

Thoughts

I may not be sad.
I may not be unhappy. But it doesn't stop thoughts from swimming around in my head. These demonic spawn are constantly wriggling around in my mind causing mayhem where ever they go.

It's not the sadness of the past. Its not resignation of the future. It's the perplexing ideas of the present that I'm struggling to grasp and understand.
What is going on? I literally have no clue too (haha).
And the idea of not knowing what situation I'm currently in is killing me.

These thoughts don't make me sad. They kill my mood.
They don't destroy you. They numb you.
They don't make you feel dead. They stop you from living.
I am not sad. Not dead. Not destroyed. But I'm just numbed from everything that has happened, I guess.

Games are my escape now.
I'm not going to deny.
They aren't my joy or happiness anymore,. They aren't the source of adrenaline and pure satisfaction right now.
Playing them doesn't feel the same anymore. But I still play, still immerse myself into this virtual world to get my mind off things. Its not easy. Even when I'm playing games I'm pondering over the present and all the perplexities that has happened to me.

I have no drive.
No passion.
No love.
No happiness.

Anymore.

When can those thoughts go away?

Had a dream the other day. Everyone left for greener pastures. Some went to other schools. Others went to other countries. In the end I was all alone (except for Amy she was still here)

And maybe that dream was just really true. Eventually there will be a point in time when everyone leaves you. You'll be all alone, and you'll no longer have the people you want beside you. But that doesn't stop me from living my own life.
People who cherish you are always here

Even if they aren't,
You will still be in their hearts.
I really hope that is true.

Everything was circumstantial. Everything was destined for failure. I don't know why things happen, but maybe they do happen for a reason. And you might say that you know why it went wrong, but you don't.
I do. Everything is much more complicated than you think it is, and everything that happened was a fault on my part, a hurdle that I myself have to cross.

People have to stop asking me if I'm sad, I honestly am not. A feeling of indifference? Yes. A feeling of resignation? Yes.
These phrases can't fool me, we probably can never be good friends again.
The sea is big, don't hang yourself just because you can't fish a single fish. There are many other bigger fishes out there.

Don't get me wrong, I still do care for you.
I never will stop.
But you'll probably never care for me back.

Grasping myself

Firstly, I finally understood what i was feeling and why did I feel that way.
Secondly, once i understood it was much easier to ignore these feelings and give 0 fks.
Basically I have nothing and no one to fault because if I were thrown in the exact same situation I would have likely to act in the same way because I'm just dumb as shit at this moment.
When I wake up tomorrow I'll probably just feel damn stupid and shit and everything will be out of my head forever cause once I look past stuff I guess I don't ever look back.

I finally understand why, I looked back last time now.
It was just an extension of my ego and my own allusion of self worth that I was chasing, not the friendship nor the person. It was the embodiment of my own achievement and my abilities that I was trying to validate that makes everything so skewered.

Which then again goes back to never trying to force a friendship I mean dammit I cant go around doing this kinda thing. When im obsessed with an idea I become a creep.

So in retrospect I should do some soul searching and learn how to remedy myself to not let this happen in the future.
Though I'm always distracted
by
different
targets