Team

Now that the nationals are over, it feels as if something is missing from life. Something has suddenly left my life.
What's funny is that I didn't even play. I couldn't play because I wasn't good enough. But I was in the team, I was a member of this unassailable ship that was destined for greatness.
We tried. We worked hard. We practiced, we trained, we persevered. We had this aim to make history, to break into the top 4 for the first time since idek when.
It's not easy. Let me tell you why. Tennis is one sport that is the most heavily reliant on an influx of talents. For the school to do well in tennis they almost HAD to have a bunch of students who have been awesome at tennis since primary school. It's one of those sports that people start from young, from as young as 3 years old.
That is why RI and ACS(I) have been dominating this sport for the past decades. They rely on a large number of DSAs and good players to clinch them the gold. HCI has stringent DSA policy that limits on the DSAs we could have. And that is maybe why we can never do well.
But why do we need dsas? You don't need to start on a sport from young to do well.
You have to be determined, train hard and put your mind to it.

That is the disappointing part. I've been giving my 10% for training for the past few years. This shouldn't be the case. The difference between me and the others are getting bigger and bigger because of the way I've been fooling around. This shouldn't be how it is like. I can't be a burden to the team anymore.
Regardless of the commitment, I should train more.
NO. I MUST TRAIN MORE.
Train harder and play better. Step up my mental game.

Next year when people ask me "hey how was it, did you play?" I can proudly say "yeah, we did. And we won".
I want to be the one who can help the team and play for the school. I want to become part of the legacy, the team that had a breakthrough into the top 4. To be forever installed into the hall of fame, and leave this school without any regrets.
Can I do it?
I am afraid I cannot commit. Am always distracted. Become a burden in everything I do.
Stop it David. Balance your time better, you can do it.

Yes you can.

On defeat

Calm yourself David you didn't even get to play today against SAJC.
Yeah you're on the team but you're not a main player.

But today made me think. Saint Andrews had a few really really good players. They had consistent strokes, solid volleys and killer serves. Where did they get all these? Hard work and hours of training. Even though I started late (this shouldn't be an excuse) but maybe I should have trained harder.
My physical is horrible, my footwork is horrible. My serve is inconsistent and my volley sucks. Maybe its time to train.
When others were training I was eating food and playing dota. And here is the difference. I should work harder and prove myself, even though the past 4 years have somewhat came to waste.
How to get that resolve?
I hope.

Dream

I had a dream yesterday, it was one of the weirdest dreams I had in a long time.
What was it like? I dreamt that I have already grown up, that I have graduated from university 7-8 years later. I just came back to Singapore from my overseas education and I was looking for a house.
It felt weird and surreal that I was staring at myself, the successful, older version of myself. It felt weird to feel like someone older, and burdened with problems that grownups have to face.

It felt weird, that I went to visit the condo that I now live in, and I saw how the future was very very different from now. The houses were more modern, the buildings were whitewashed. There was a garden in the middle of the building. I can't really describe it. There is a rooftop garden with a view towards bedok reservoir. The view was beautiful, it was splendid yet unnatural. It did not feel natural, but it felt so right, so beautiful and so mesmerizing. The oasis was far from the view, and the sun was just setting from the horizon. There was a tinge of orange and yellow, as well as some purple, giving off a picturesque image of the view. It was like staring into a picture. So beautiful and so mesmerizing. I want to draw it out, but I'm not good enough.

And here comes the worst part of this dream - I actually cried in it. Like, seriously. I haven't cried in a dream since idk when. The last time I did indeed cry in a dream was probably when I was 8 and I dreamt that I went to heaven. This time it wasn't because of sadness, nor joy do I cry. It was more of a sad sense of sudden realization that my adult years are coming to me, and I don't have much time to live. Soon enough I will grow up, buy a house, have a kid. Sooner or later I will retire and die. It is that fast, and it is quite scary. I don't know what to feel about it.

Bright

This blog actually isn't an emo place. Its just that I only rant when I'm emo.
But today there shall be a change.
Life is gonna be good yeah. It's gonna be enjoyable, because I have people who make the journey worthwhile.
I mean, maybe everything is just involving opportunity costs. Being denied of something doesn't mean you're not worth anything, maybe god is just saving something better for you. Maybe by rejecting this, you can get something better. If I had taken one of these opportunities up, maybe I would have lost much more, with that higher opportunity cost.
Life isn't all that bad at all!
I mean, goodie, I got a chance to try out a play, and take the stage!
Maybe being rejected by dramafeste wasn't all that bad. Maybe not getting into OCIP is not that bad. I have friends who are in the same boat. All I have to do is to keep optimistic, and look forward. Keep praying, keep waiting, god will be here for me!

The future is bright and I'm slowly carving my way :)